Posted on in Emotions

Emotional Flowers

The most guarded, impenetrable prison humanity is captive to are the words of emotional abuse from self and others. A Proverb in the Old Testament says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It is a statement which portrays a sobering depth of reality once it is understood to be true.

I describe to my clients how motivation is a matter of mental vegetation. My clients know that I love word pictures and using visual imagery for instilling philosophies into the mind. There are three elements to change which are consistent and universal despite what the aim of the change may be; thoughts, language, and behavior. There is no behavior or action which comes forth in reality that was not born a thought. The thought is a seed. If it is planted and nourished it will grow. As that thought takes root it creates the dialog of which I speak to myself and others. “Thinking” is the mental language of self talk. How I think about myself influences how I view and treat others. This is where behavior blossoms.

What is so often overlooked is how self abuse shapes behaviors of self destruction. If I think (seed) that I am unworthy, incapable, or lacking then my language becomes self-depreciating. My thought flow becomes negativity and arbitrary limits on my potential. Eventually that comes through in my behaviors which are unhealthy and regressive. Where did that bad seed come from? The significance of this understanding is that everything I speak plants seeds in others and if I am not planting positive, encouraging ideas I am leaving space for those personal doubts and fears to grow. Planting strong, positive affirmations in someone’s character can choke out the weeds of insecurity before they grow and overtake one’s entire perception.

Positive change requires planting positive seeds and nurturing them in the language that is expressed in thinking and speaking. If you want to believe what you have planted you must grow it. Healthy change is intentional, not a passive occurrence which happens upon someone. Use the language of positive, confirming thoughts and words in your daily life.

Are you growing beautiful flowers or allowing thorny vines to overtake your emotional garden?

Posted on in Emotions, Identity

The Purpose of Relationship

Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

 

 

Follow for more to come on parenting and relationships…

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

Discovering My Story

As a child I loved stories. I loved to read stories as much as I loved to write my own. My first published story was titled “The Purple Plum Tree” and I was in the third grade when I wrote it.

My own story became one of heartbreak and loss when I was just an adolescent girl. I had so much hurt which I did not author and could not erase from my life. So I resented my own story and severed that passion to protect my heart. Decades later I would learn that there is great healing in following passion because in that passion lies purpose. 

I stopped writing stories. Then I stopped reading them, too. I became resentful when I would hear someone else’s story. Maybe it was envy that stirred that bitterness because my own story was silenced. Maybe I was trying to lose the identity that I associated with pain. In doing so, I lost myself. Something interesting happens when you become lost; you wander but you don’t disappear. 

True passion never dies. It waits. It fights to break free at the slightest light breaking through into the darkness where it is hidden. There was a season in my life of personal revelation and growth. I was forced to read a book called To Be Told by Dan. B. Allender, Ph.D. for a class I was attending. *Spoiler Alert* It is a book about stories! In that moment, in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia, I encountered people who changed my life by allowing me to tell parts of my story that had never been authored before. My soul was shaken in that season and the hard ground of my heart was watered and my passion broke forth. I was left with a longing to live my story.

The journey of self discovery I have been on since then has lead me to a realization. I actually have three stories. They are; What I Am, Why I Am, and Who I Am. 

What I Am, has been a mystery to me for most of my life. This is my DNA; the physical components which have constructed my form and made me human. I come from a unique family in which both of my parents were adopted. In the last couple years I have begun to explore that part of my history. An analogy; You may see a standing, tall oak tree. That tree would not be there if not for an acorn and that acorn had fallen from another oak tree. If a sycamore seed had fallen you would find a different tree. You call the tree by the name of it’s characteristics which share a common lineage. There is a story behind what I am, my characteristics. I am short, with blue gypsy eyes, and a glowing red in my auburn hair that must come from somewhere.

Why I Am, is the story I know best. This is the beliefs, values, and examples that have been given to me from my parents, family, and others. It’s the long version answer to “Why I do the things I do.” It’s the version of my story which I rejected for so long. If our acorn falls in a forest, the oak will root deep and grow tall. It will hold nests and burrows and have a purpose in being home. If that acorn falls in a sidewalk it will grow much differently. It’s purpose may be shade for a home instead. Why I am the way I am is because of an environment and the nurturing of  people in my life. Sometimes the what and the why stem from the same introduction but in my particular story one has not much to do with the other. As I’ve walked through my life, I’ve come to realize that this story includes sorrow and pain, as well as joy and success, but it is all part of my story.

Who I Am, is the reason for all the rest. It is the essence and purpose of my existence. Who I am came forth through generations of “what” and was placed into the circumstances of “why” in order to develop the revelation of Who I am in this moment of my life. In the oak analogy, the Who is much more than an oak or any characteristic of the environment or the acorn itself. It is the germ of the seed which has carried on through every generation back to the original. You see, Who I am was predestined from long before the first oak tree.

“According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” Ephesians 1:4-6 KJV

Every part of my story was written to point to who I am. And who I am points to who Jesus is. Despite all the hurt, rejection and failure of my own life and the generations before me; my life is full of love and redemption. God is love. 1 John 4:8. Christ is the Redeemer. Galatians 3:13.

I am living my story.