Imagine learning that someone you know isn’t who you think they are. You’ve been lied to about their identity, their past, their accomplishments, even the characteristics that make up their personality are feigned. In the beginning it was easy to put on an act and play the part of a character they created. They did it well, like a true actor, convincing many people they were something much more than they really are. If you had no context, no mutual connections, and no reason to doubt someone, it would be easy to fall for the gimmick and just accept the person as they presented. After all, most people would never question a stranger or consider that someone might fake their entire life. It seems unfeasible that anyone would intentionally mislead people in such a dramatic way.

We tend to give the benefit of the doubt. We overlook slight misalignment. We question ourselves and our own understanding when something is off but not obvious. Too often we want to help so we give more than we expect in return. Eventually, things begin to slip. The numerous lies become hard to keep organized. Social circles inevitably cross paths, raising questions. Unfortunately, by the time there are enough questions to bear weight, the relationship is established, long-term, intertwined in a built life. He who intends to deceive is conniving, cunning, a master manipulator, and so the job is well done, but not without cracks in the foundation. Not long ago, I couldn’t imagine this as a reality. I know better now. This is the reality of falling for the con of a narcissist.

I used to know someone who wasn’t real. I let him into my life because I innocently believed he was who he said he was. Many years passed, and as they did those cracks got bigger and spread further until the foundation was crumbling. Eventually, I had to see what was actually in front of me; behavior that did not match who I thought I knew. When I became brave enough to ask my questions out loud, I started finding answers. The past was made up; people he knew, places he had been, things he had done, none of it actually happened. I learned that he took things he admired in other people’s lives and claimed it as his own. He did this for his personality too. He told stories about himself that made him sound interesting, admirable, and extravagant. This is where the biggest cracks appeared because it’s very hard to actually be what you are not. At first, it was workable but eventually actions and behaviors told the truth among the lies.

In the end, when I was able to talk to other people who knew the truth, I was shocked by the extent of the lies I had been fed. This came after I saw with my own eyes that things I took as reality were being made up on the spot. It was difficult mentally to accept this was happening in my life. I felt betrayed, used, manipulated. I had to recognize that someone saw my open, accepting, loving goodness as an asset to take advantage of and that was a violation of my autonomy and my character. I reached a point of acceptance where I was able to move on and begin healing so that I would not carry this violation as an insecurity projected on other people as a fear that it will happen again. I began learning how to trust again. After so much investment in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, I was hit with one final revelation that shook my understanding of what a human being is capable of; stolen valor. He lied to me, my family, the people in our circle around us, about his history, his intentions, and even what he was doing in life as it unfolded. Still, his ego became so big that he lied about his service and his military accomplishments. Somehow that feels bigger, like he wasn’t just a fake person to us but to the whole world. Now I’ve read legal documents, viewed photographs, and processed his stories with people who have an outside view and an insider lens, leaving me with the understanding that the persona permeated everything he encountered.

I thought a character like that only existed in story books. I never imagined I would meet such a debacle in my life. It’s a special kind of cowardice to be so afraid to live your life authentically that you exhaust your energy and resources on a rubbish guise. This experience has enlightened my own passion for living authentically and being more trusting of my own intuition. A person like this should be studied for the advancement of psychology because as a society we lack understanding about this kind of mental disorder, which is why it can happen for such a long time without being exposed. However, that will not be the case, and he will simply fade away as an insignificant mark in the history of humanity. It’s an ironic outcome that a man with such big stories will have such a quiet resolution. It’s satisfying that the greatest impact of this situation is the many people who are now educated, healing, and actively making the world a better place because of having experienced the misfortune of evil intent. In the end, Karma is the natural law that makes things right.