Gaps in memory, and dissociative amnesia, the lingering effects of CPTSD. Even after years of healing, the struggle with memory and cognitive function can linger and cause significant impact on daily life. It’s possible to work on processing and reactions so that triggers have less of an impact. Time passing creates a physical distance between the present moment and traumatic moments, easing the effect of emotional response. Even with all the progress of healing, a faltering memory causes distress.
It’s been said that healing is not linear. Sometimes the upswing of progress gets interrupted by a spiral that feels like falling backwards. A rough moment can disappear into full confidence that feels like being “back on track” and so the cycle becomes more like a tornado- twisting and turning, with sudden changes in direction, some beauty and awe, some devastating destruction. The truth is, healing becomes a new state of being, with its own complex state of mind, and the need to adapt to life in unique ways.
There have been moments in my own life where I have longed for a resolution. I have hoped that healing would have an ending that might transport me to a new state of being that looks much more like an old state of being before the trauma. Yet, a lived experience cannot be erased. Who I am today is assembled from all of my experiences; my failures, my successes, the residual emotions that remind me what those moments felt like, and the calculations that come out of knowing all that I now know because of those experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly are better off owned rather than avoided so that I can completely understand who I am and where I am going.
Understanding the potential to use my experiences to become a better version of myself today means I have the power to dictate what any event or emotion means for me in the here and now. My power and control lie in what I do with what has happened to me rather than passively avoiding the truth of my past. I am at the point in my own healing that I am empowered, confident, and actively seeking growth. So, I can say from experience, there is hope. To anyone who is reeling in a fresh wound, facing the reality of pain and grief, know that you won’t live there forever.
